The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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