glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she told me i tasted like america
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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