Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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