are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
