I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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