I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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