Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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