Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
