That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
