I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
