I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
