Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
