just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
