just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
