mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
