don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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