It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
