what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
