I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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