By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm like, not good at living.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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