I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
