i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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