i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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