I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
