Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm passing your future prison.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
