I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
