god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
