I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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