During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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