He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
