We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
