She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize