Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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