I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
