I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
