the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
