I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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