Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
