I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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