Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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