i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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