apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
