Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
