if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
