oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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