I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
