Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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