btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
