god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
