My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
