im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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