I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
